Spherical Mirror

I decided to do some plagiarizing from three-years younger me, so here’s a poem I wrote in 2008.

Spherical Mirror

From my own inspection
There is no detection
Of imperfection
In my own unending reflection.
While here inside
There’s no need to hide
For on every side
I see myself with my own self replied.
I am infinity
With nothing to see
But an endless sea
Of me.

But out there, I suspect
It’s you I reflect
And in that respect
I may give you cause to introspect.
I am in full view
But I’m seen by few
Though you can’t look through
If you try you will see yourself in me.
I am opacity
For you can’t see me
In an endless sea
Of you.

Can I Tell You A Story?

Hey everyone,

I just finished chapter 3 of the book I’m writing, and here’s a brief excerpt. Enjoy!

*     *     *

“Sure, trust the crazy person,” I said. “You can’t make things much worse, after all.”

That must have stung, for he stood facing the library’s exit doors, but made no motion to go. “Can I tell you a story?”

“Only if it’s a true one.”

He didn’t answer, but began, “Once there was a man who lived in a prison. He didn’t know how he’d gotten there. Maybe he’d been born there, maybe he’d gotten amnesia from a blow to the head, or maybe he had been drugged and made to forget. Either way, the prison was all he knew. The prison, and the certainty that there was another place, a whole other realm he was not allowed to even see.

“The prison was not like any you or I know. It was immense—miles wide and miles long, and several stories in height. The prison might have towered into the sky, or been buried underground…the man could not say. There were no windows. Nor were there bars, gates, locks, wardens, or any other prisoners. Only miles and miles of walls—perfectly white, perfectly clean.

“The prison had many rooms. Some of them were living compartments, with beds and rudimentary bathrooms. Some of them were used for food storage, and there were enough supplies to feed the man for several lifetimes. And many of them were empty, awaiting a purpose or designation.”

“What exactly qualifies this as a prison?” I asked. “I’ve heard of countries that are smaller.”

“A country can be a prison if you’re not allowed to leave it. It was an existence bound by walls, and void of human contact. The prisoner went insane, as anyone would, but madness can serve as a buffer against reality for only so long, and thus his sanity returned, a reluctant prodigal.

“The man began to explore the prison. To thoroughly search even one of the levels took months, and he was very, very thorough. One day, at last, his thoroughness paid off. In one of the empty compartments, he found a way through to a new passageway, one which had no parallel on any of the other levels. This corridor ran the entire length of the prison, and there were similar entry points in several of the empty compartments. The wall across from these was blank, except at its middle point. At the center, there was a long hallway with a large, round, black metal door at the end, and the man knew instantly that this was the prison’s one and only exit.

“But he wasn’t out yet. The door was locked, held in place with thick steel bolts. The locks were coded to a numerical password entered on a keypad, one arbitrary number out of millions of combinations. He spent months at the door, sometimes trying to hammer his way through the walls or pry loose the bolts, but mostly just entering numbers into the keypad, one after the other, day in and day out.

“And one day, more than a year later, as he entered passwords on keys whose painted numbers had long since eroded, he heard a click, deep in the mechanism of the door. Silence followed, and he thought he might have imagined it, but then he heard the whooshing sound of air rushing to fill a vacuum seal.

“Next he heard metal grating, and the steel bolts receded, one by one, into the round, black door. There was a moment when the door seemed to be gathering its breath—and then it swung open on massive hinges.

“Frozen with awe, the man waited until the door had come to a standstill before stepping onto the threshold. He was blinded for a moment by the abrupt sunlight, but when his eyes adjusted and he saw at last the world he had been kept from for so long…he was filled with a profound and utter horror.

“You see, the building was a prison. There was no doubt about that. But what the man had never realized… the possibility he had never entertained…was that maybe, just maybe, he was already on the outside.”

I stood transfixed for a full thirty seconds before I realized he was no longer talking. “What—” I swallowed, my throat suddenly dry. “What did he see?”

Steven shrugged. “That’s how the story ends,” he said. “Perhaps some things are better left to the imagination.”

“Uh-huh.” I understand the power of the unknown, but it didn’t make me feel any less cheated. “So what’s it supposed to mean, or is it just more cryptic nonsense?”

“You’re the English major…you tell me.”

“Enlighten me.”

“It’s about expectations, I suppose. It means…” He picked a book off the floor. “…that sometimes the seeming madman is sanest of all…” The book was propped open, its covers resting on his thumb and fingers, the pages falling to either side of the spine. “…that sometimes the hungriest wolf has the friendliest smile…” He raised the book until it was at my eye-level. “…and sometimes, you can’t tell when you’re outside a prison—” His fingers snapped the book closed with a sharp FOMP that made me blink. “—and when you’re not.”

He made his way toward the door once more. “You promise you’ll come back?” I asked.

“Absolutely. I can’t tell you when…but I will be back.” I don’t know why, but I wanted to trust him. “One more thing,” he said. “What’s your favorite book?”

“What?”

“What is your favorite book?”

A favorite book? As a kid, I’d had favorite books, books that I would read over and over, never getting bored, but now… “I don’t really have one,” I admitted.

“Too few you like or too many to choose from?”

“Too many.”

“That’s good.” He nodded thoughtfully. “That’s very good. That should help a lot.”

I wanted to ask him what that was supposed to mean. I wanted to ask him so many things: What was he doing buried in books and quoting James Joyce? Why did he have to leave in such a hurry? Who was he? But I found that there was only one question I couldn’t bear to leave unanswered.

“That story you told, about the man in the prison…you made it up, right? It isn’t true.”

“Of course I made it up,” said Steven. “That doesn’t mean it isn’t true.” He stood in the doorway, half-silhouetted by the afternoon sun. “All stories are true,” he said, with only the faintest trace of a smile. “It’s the only reason they’re worth telling.”

That Day That We First Met

Valentines Day has come and almost gone, and, currently single, my first instinct is to scoff and brush it aside. But despite some cynicism, I’m still something of a romantic at heart, so rather than ignore the passing of the day of love and Hallmark, I wrote a sappy poem about no one in particular. Enjoy.

 

That Day That We First Met

Do you remember how you looked, that day that we first met?
Your makeup smeared beyond repair, your hair all soaking wet,
And then you flashed a smile at me I never could forget—
No other beauty could compare, that day that we first met.

Do you remember how you moved, that magic night we danced?
Your stumbling and missteps made the others look askance
But every little waver had me hopelessly entranced
And ballerinas looked like fools, when next to you they danced.

Do you remember all that happened on our wedding day?
The sky was blue and spotless, without any trace of gray,
And foolishly, we thought that it would all go off okay.
But then a groomsman made a joke
The pastor had a minor stroke
Your brother made a drunken rant
The best man wasn’t wearing pants
My mother called your dad a liar
Your wedding dress got lit on fire
The cake was dropped
We lost the rings
But I wouldn’t change a single thing
About that perfect, flawless day I gave myself to you.

7 Ways To Be Sexy Without Taking Your Clothes Off

Disclaimer: I am not an expert on sex. However, as an Adult Human Male, I consider myself at least a passable authority on sexy.

Second Disclaimer: When the pronoun “you” is used in this post, it is referring to female readers. Feel free to read, guys, but don’t be weirded out by sentences implying that you have the hots for the Old Spice guy.

There’s a lot of preliminary talking, so if you want to go straight to the tips, scroll down to where the numbers are.

When looking up descriptions of action movies, one of the phrases that recurs is “A taut and sexy thriller.” Then, when I watch the movie, I try to figure out what part of it is supposed to be sexy.

Explosions? Not terribly sexy.

Gunfights? Not terribly sexy.

Sudden obligatory sex scene. Ah. I guess that’s the sexy part.

From a writer’s standpoint, “Sex is sexy” is just bad writing. You don’t say, “cats are catlike”–cats are cats, and “catlike”, by definition, should be used to describe something that is not a cat. In the same way, sex is not sexy–sex is sex, and “sexy” describes something that hints at sex.

Our media–movies, TV, music, magazines–all sends a message to women that the only way to attract men is to “show off whatcha got”. And so they think the only way they can get guys to notice them is to wear tight, revealing clothing. But is this actually sexy?

…

Well, yeah, obviously. Let’s not be so prudish that we say stupid things.

As guys, we’re very visually-oriented, and physical appearance plays a large role in initial attraction. But most guys (at least, the kinds you want to date), know that there’s a lot more to you than your body.

There is a time and place for everything, but the time and place for skimpy clothing is not “always” and “everywhere”. Remember, those pantsless leggings and plunging neckline may grab the attention of guys like this:

…but they’ll also get the attention of guys like this:

Now that you’ve finished peeing your pants, let’s get back to talking about se–

Hang on, let’s get some distance from that picture first.

Distance.

Distance.

Distance.

Distance.

Scrolling.

Scrolling.

Scrolling.

Scrolling.

Scrolling.

Okay, I think we’re safe now.

So, let’s get back to talking about sexy…specifically, tips on how to be attractive that go beyond hairdos, makeup, and clothes (or lack thereof).

Third disclaimer: These suggestions are based on my own personal tastes and experiences, what’s attractive will differ from one man to another. However, I hope that they will hold true for most guys.

*     *     *

7 Ways To Be Sexy Without Taking Your Clothes Off (Finally)

1. Be Expressive

Eyes are the windows to the soul. But when someone’s eyes are dead and expressionless, it’s like there’s a painted backdrop in front of that window. Having a static facial expression, even one that appears interested, sends a message that your face is on autopilot and you aren’t actually enjoying the conversation.

You have muscles in your forehead for a reason. Using them to vary your expression makes your face more visually stimulating and appealing. Having an expressive face can turn prolonged eye contact from creepy to enticing.

If you find yourself afflicted with perpetual stony-face, don’t worry! It’s never too late to learn. First, find some facial role models. If you have friends with expressive faces, watch their mannerisms and reactions. When you watch movies with close-up shots of conversations, watch how the actors and actresses communicate emotions.

Then practice moving your facial muscles in the mirror. Exaggerate the movement of your features at first, and then gradually tone down the movement to make the expressions more subtle. Add them to your facial repertoire by trying them out in conversations.

Facial expressions are a visual vocabulary, and need to be used before they feel natural. It may feel awkward at first, but so does walking, writing, dancing, or anything else worth doing.

2. Relax

We live in a stressful, workaholic, caffeine-addicted world, and sometimes it’s hard to just relax. But letting go of that stress is important–both for yourself and for the people that you’re close to.

The right guy should help you to let your guard down and loosen up, and it’s important to let him know that. If all he sees is the side of you that is tense and tightly wound, he may feel like he’s contributing to your stress instead of helping you deal with it.

Practice doing nothing. Take some time every day to clear your mind of all the things that you have to do, and let go of your worries. Try some deep-breathing exercises to relax yourself physically as well as mentally. Enjoy quiet.

And when you’re in the midst of an activity you enjoy, focus on the present, instead of everything else that you think you should be doing instead. And when you are doing something that seems like a drudge, don’t stress or depress yourself by thinking of everything you’d rather be doing–get the job done and then enjoy the free time you’ve earned.

3. Be Confident

…but not cocky.

This kind of confidence is less about bravado than it is about self-esteem. Confidence and a healthy self-esteem are very attractive in girls. Not the hyper-feminist “I’m a strong woman who don’t need no man” kind of confidence–but the quieter confidence that comes from knowing your own self-worth.

Girls with low self-esteem are at high risk of becoming emotionally needy or over-dependent somewhere down the line in a relationship, which scares guys away. As guys, we want to supplement and reinforce your self-worth–not be your self-worth entirely.

Take some time to think about all your positive attributes and likable traits. Remind yourself that you are a great singer, speaker, pole-vaulter, cook, listener, joke-teller, writer, artist, doctor, barista, or friend, even when nobody else notices.

Remember–humility is recognizing the limits of your abilities, not putting yourself down or pretending you don’t have any at all.

4. Learn the Subtle Art of Wit

I hesitated to put this one on here. For one thing, I can’t find a picture to go along with this tip (How do you take a picture of “wit”?). Also, I don’t know exactly how to define wit. And lastly, I’m not sure wit is something that can be easily learned.

However, I cannot deny that wit is sexy. So I will try to cover this one…

As William Shakespeare said, “Brevity is the soul of wit.” In some ways, I think wit is the art of saying as much as you can with as few words as possible. This can be done through wordplay, allusion, implication, and many other tools.

As far as how to learn wit…my best recommendation is just to play with words and ideas. Read the works of witty people, like Shakespeare and Winston Churchill, or examine the routines of intellectual comedians. Try to learn how their words manage to have such bite, and try to do the same.

You can also take the “brevity” route to learning wit. Listen to how effectively you use your language and try to streamline it. Think about abstract concepts and try to describe them in as few words as possible.

You might even try not speaking at all…

5. Become a Master of Artful Silence

Now it’s time to use those skills of expressiveness you learned earlier. Using only facial expressions, head tilts, eye movements, smiles, eyebrow raises, nods, and shrugs, see how much you can communicate without using words at all.

Supposedly, non-verbals play a bigger part of communication that our words do. Whether or not that is true, you can say a lot just by using your face.

Speaking silently can be fun, especially if it’s with someone you know. Find out how well you know each other by seeing how well you can read each other. Using non-verbal communication with a guy also allows you to send semi-private messages in a public setting, building a greater sense of conversational intimacy and creating the excitement of a shared secret.

6. Be Positive

What do Eeyore and Puddleglum have in common?

Neither of them is sexy. Pessimistic, negative, and depressing people are not very enjoyable to be around. And yet, it’s almost our default behavior to complain about the way life is going.

Positive, cheerful people are just generally more attractive than people who aren’t. Try smiling a little more often, and you’ll see what a difference it means to the opposite sex.

Hopefully this one is pretty self-explanatory. Try to find a positive side to the bad things that happen to you. And don’t dwell on things that haven’t gone right. Move past the bad things and enjoy everything that is still going well for you.

This doesn’t mean you should try and act as if nothing bad ever happens to you…just see the bad things as the exception, rather than the rule.

7. Be Creative

I’ll let you in on a secret…guys are boring. We like variety and new things, but we’re a bit lazy when it comes to actually creating that variety.

Personally, I think creativity is a very attractive trait in a girl. It shows a desire to add something new to the world, rather than just be spoon-fed pop music and television. Plus, seeing creativity on someone else’s part often sparks creativity in myself.

Sharing your creativity also shows vulnerability. It takes courage to show something that you’ve created–something that’s close to your heart–to someone else for their perusal and critique. But doing so helps build up trust.

And eventually, that creativity can be used on a more personal level–writing a poem or painting a picture for that special someone–which helps bring you closer together.

How do you become more creative? I think everyone is born with at least some creativity. To get more, you have to nurture what you’ve got. If you have the skills of an artist, make art! If you like writing, then write! If you make statues out of Q-tips…………………that’s nice, I guess. But whatever you do, keep experimenting and pushing the bounds of your imagination.

*     *     *

Well, I said I would give you 7 ways to be sexy, and I have, so I guess this post is about finished, except for one thing…

TIP NUMBER 8: Embrace the Unexpected

One of the biggest complaints women have about men is:

They. Don’t. Stay. Focused. On. One. Woman.

This is a big problem. As I said before, guys like variety, and often, they like variety in women as well. Some of this problem may be sexual, but I think the biggest factor is that mystery is alluring.

I’m not going to try and defend the distractability of guys’ eyes, but this post is for you, ladies, and things that you can do–and changing the way the male mind thinks might be a little out of your reach (or not…what do I know?). So all I’m going to say is this:

If you want a guy to stay interested,

stay interesting.

Routines are comfortable, but they are also restrictive. Look for ways to break out of your regularly scheduled programming and grab his attention anew. Become once more the sexy enigma you were when he first met you.

Fly a kite. Bungee jump. Take a car trip across the country. Shoot off fireworks in December. Find creative uses for leftovers. Write a short story. Make a website. Build a snow castle. Pretend to be a time traveler for a day. Learn a new language. Have a conversation made entirely of quotes from 80s movies. Play Russian roulette with a Nerf gun. Host a bake sale. Hide in a refrigerator. Moonwalk in the supermarket. Go on a fishing trip. Write a song for your answering machine message. Fill your room with balloons. Start a pie fight. Dance on tables.

And most of all, have fun. Maybe you’ll fall in love next week. Or maybe in thirty years. Either way, you don’t have to wait for a relationship before getting the most out of life.

Do you want me to prepare my mustache?

Chocolate Spain roses.

Bazinga monkey crap.

Take that, Google.

Micropost: “Someone” Is Now Following My Blog

I just got an e-mail that said,

Someone just subscribed to receive an email every time you publish a post at http://nathanbiberdorf.wordpress.com. Congratulations.

Sometimes I feel like WordPress is being sarcastic with me.

Apparently, though, Someone is the person’s name. That must have been an interesting birth. Imagine this conversation between his/her/its parents, Anyone and Nobody.

“You’re going to be a very special someone some day.”

“Honey, why can’t he/she/it be a very special someone right now?”

“Great idea, dear. Let’s call him/her/it Someone! What do you think?”

“Gurgh!”

“Uh oh…looks like Someone needs a diaper change.”

And when Someone grew up, he/she/it would have so many good nicknames, like Not Just, A Certain, and That Special.

Now I just need somebody called Everyone to follow the blog…

Everyone Loves Arbitrary Meaningless Positive Reinforcement!

When I write a post at 1 in the morning (which happens a lot these days), I don’t expect to see a lot of blog traffic the next day, as most of my friends, who are still in school, have gone to sleep before then. So I was surprised when I checked my stats the next day and discovered an unprecedented 150 page views.

Zounds! thought I. Perhaps there were more readers than I thought burning the well-after-midnight oil after all. Further examination showed me that the bulk of the views had come from the next day’s late morning/afternoon. A visit to Facebook revealed the answer to my mystery once and for all. One of my friends and long-time readers had SHARED the post.

SHARING? DID SOMEONE THINK THIS WAS SESAME STREET? THIS IS THE INTERNET! WHAT’S NEXT? OPEN-MINDEDNESS? GOOD GRAMMAR? ORIGINALITY?

But after I ran out of capital letters, I realized that there was an upside to this: I was being spread by Word Of Mouth, or in this case, Word Of Facebook. Like the West Nile, I had gone viral.

As this furthers my goals of world domination, I thought it would be nice to reward my friend–and anyone else who promotes the blog. But as I am a poor college graduate, this reward must be–at least for now–symbolic.

And thus do I introduce…WOMPUM, short for Word Of Mouth Points of Uncertain Merit.

For passing on the post Celibacy…It’s Not Just For Waffles Any More, and for indirectly giving me the idea for this update, I bestow upon the user Chandler…the amount of 23.15 WOMPUM. (I know other people have shared before, but I couldn’t help but notice this one. Don’t worry, you’ll get your due.)

Let me be clear about one thing: THESE POINTS ARE ALMOST DEFINITELY MEANINGLESS.

But if you want them anyway…here’s how. If you like something on the blog, and you decide to pass it on, let me know, and I will award an arbitrary amount of WOMPUM. The amounts may be integers, fractions, decimals, irrational numbers, maybe even letters.

You can pass it on through Facebook, e-mail, Twitter, Reddit, Digg, Tumblr, StumbleUpon, Google+, hacking CIA’s computer database, or even literal word-of mouth. In fact, there are sharing buttons below each post that make it easier to pass them on.

Although the amount of WOMPUM, like your school grades, is arbitrary, it will tend to be bigger if I can see evidence of the sharing (via a link) and especially if I notice a swell of blog activity as a result.

If you want to keep track of your WOMPUM, you may, but I will also keep track of everyone’s WOMPUM on my home computer as well, to save you the trouble. After gaining a certain amount of WOMPUM (the exact amount shall not be revealed, and may in fact be made up on the spot), one lucky sharer shall become the WOMPUM King or Queen. This title will be as meaningless as the WOMPUM itself, but you are then allowed to declare yourself the WOMPUM King in your comments.

This person shall remain the WOMPUM King until another arbitrary benchmark has been passed, and someone else becomes the WOMPUM King. The former WOMPUM King may then refer to himself as Former WOMPUM King, Deposed.

If the WOMPUM King is a woman, then she will of course be the WOMPUM Queen, but I decided to be sexist for the last two paragraphs to make for less clumpy writing.

So there you have it. Let me reiterate: WOMPUM IS ALMOST DEFINITELY MEANINGLESS.

Unless I become rich and famous someday, in which case, it may earn you something silly that you can sell on the future’s version of eBay.

But before you go out there and start gung-hoishly spreading Mindless Productivity to all your friends and neighbors, I want to make one last stipulation:

Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, PLEASE ………….don’t be annoying. If you pass a post along by e-mail, just send it to people that will actually appreciate it…not your entire address book. And only share things that you think deserve to be passed on.

That being said…have fun!