Breaking News! Scientists have discovered that Senior Scramble is an actual physical phenomenon. It is not just a myth made to mock the desperate coupling that takes place shortly before graduation. When the male brain senses the oncoming responsibility associated with living alone, it releases a special chemical, known as unimonosingular nofemaline (Chemical symbol: 111F0). This chemical is sent directly to the optic nerve, where it trains the eye to see every woman as a potential future wife.
When under the influence of nofemaline, the mind is capable of seeing any female behavior as a sign of romantic interest, whether it be brief conversation, accidental eye contact, or the fact that she put her ketchup-stained plate on the same DC tray that you used (Oh, come on, you know there’s something going on there.). At the same time, the mind is often blinded to information that would seem to contradict these impressions, like the fact that she intends to be a missionary in Taiwan, or that she’s been engaged for two years. God works these little details out, right?
Nofemaline causes you to discover all the things you have in common with your female friends and acquaintances (“You say you love Creed? What a coincidence! I lo… Oh…you said you loathe Creed? As I was saying, what a coincidence! I loathe Creed too!”). At more advanced stages of the Scramble, you may feel fated to be with someone after one meeting. (Senior Scramble makes Calvinists out of even the most Arminian bachelors.) If left unchecked, you will start asking girls out left and right with little or no provocation.
So what can you do to counteract the mind-ravaging effects of unimonosingular nofemaline? Theoretically, the best solution is to find a girlfriend, but for those of us with rapidly-growing nose-hair or an unconquerable need to start and end sentences with unnecessary adverbs, this may not be an option, obviously. Here are a few suggestions.
1. Remember that every good trait has an evil twin. For example:
“She’s really smart” …really means… “she knows better than to go out with you”
“She’s fashion-conscious” …really means… “she has expensive taste in clothes”
“She’s nice, attractive, has a good sense of humor, and is looking for the same things in a relationship as me” …really means… “you’re going to end up in her basement freezer like her last twelve boyfriends”
2. Join a monastery. Out of sight, out of mind.
3. Become a writer. You know why every conversation you have with a woman goes wrong? It’s because you’re only making up half of the dialogue. Write romantic scenes into your books to solve that problem.
4. Remind yourself how much you enjoy being single. Self-deception works wonders.
Or, you can just keep writing on your blog about how you’re dealing with your relationship woes, secretly hoping that girl will read it and finally fall in love with you. Haha, lol, just kidding. Pssh…like people actually do that. Lol, that’d be so stupid, lol. Haha. Laaaaaame.