Google+ Games: A Vicious Review to Protect Your Sanity: Part 2

Welcome back, lovers of verbalized hatred! I return to once more exact my vengeance upon the chronocidal cyberdemons men call Internet Games. Rise up, my imprisoned brethren and throw off the chains of oppression! To arms, to arms!

Crime City

Do you love Mafia Wars? Then try Crime City, the online equivalent of waking up to find a severed horse’s head in your bed. In Crime City, you click on buildings to commit crimes…and then you click on money to pick it up…and then you do it again and again and again and again. Nothing ever actually happens, but at least you get Experience Points! This is important, because Experience Points are what you get in exchange for never having real experiences, like reading a good book, holding a steady job, or having friends.

Better Alternative:

Join the real Mafia. You’ll be surprised how much more rewarding it is to rob real gas stations and shoot real grandmothers.

Monster World

I closed this as soon as I realized it was another Farmville clone. So should you.

Better Alternative:

Grow a garden so you can enjoy the fruits (and veggies) of your labor.

Angry Birds

Just like watching birds kamikaze into your newly-cleaned windows, Angry Birds is fun. Yes, it’s talked about too much, but that’s because it really is a good game. And now, it’s no longer for the iPhoners alone, but for all users of internet! This is one of the few games on Google+ that is actually worth playing.

Better Alternative:

Don’t try to beat the whole game at once. Take small bites.

Dragons of Atlantis

This game is like someone took Age of Empires and Dragon Age and made them breed, then watched as a hideous deformed monstrosity rose out of the genetic cesspool and began destroying everything in its path, forcing its creators to herd it into an excavated pit and drop napalm on it—and then they made a wretched game about the experience rather than go to counseling to deal with the post-traumatic stress.

This game, like other Facebook and Google+ games, punishes you for trying to play it. Everything takes a mind-molderingly long epoch to occur unless you feed the creators of the game your credit card information and tell them to just go nuts with it. I couldn’t stand the game long enough to even get to any of the dragons because the insurmountable ennui drove me to wash dishes and mow the lawn for entertainment, which provided me with greater satisfaction and less carpal tunnel.

Better Alternative:

Age Of Empires II: Still the best, no matter what the cover blurb for III says. You can buy it for two or three dollars on Amazon or borrow it from any PC geek worth his weight in ramen.

Zombie Lane

Digital Chocolate has managed to do the unthinkable: They have made zombies boring. This game is really about house repair, and the zombies’ only role is to act as walking shopping bags, disgorging roofing materials instead of intestines when eviscerated. They do not actually harm you, for fear of destroying the illusion that you are accomplishing anything with your life.

Perhaps the makers of this game should be commended for their ironic art statement. By infecting us with this cancerous piece of tripe, they have turned us into the zombies.

Better Alternative:

Zombies have the right idea. Eating brains will do more to improve your intelligence than playing this game.

Plants Versus Zombies is a humorous, puzzle/tower defense zombie game. Left 4 Dead is an actiony multiplayer zombie game. Resident Evil is a crap-your-pants scary zombie game. Play any of these instead.

Collapse Blast

Collapse Blast is much like Diamond Dash, except with the added “challenge” of trying to clear the entire board before the blocks hit the ceiling of the game. The game is also much less intrusive as far as coercing you to bug friends or pay to play. As such, it is better than most of the games on Google+. That says sadly little, however. This game is still not worth more than a few minutes of your time.

Better Alternative:

Kongregate has a much better selection of flash-based internet games. In addition, most of the games are made by developers who just want to make good games, not necessarily be paid for them, so the site is much less harassing.

Dragon Age Legends

Thou wouldst think one bad game on Google+ with Dragon in the title wouldst be enough, but nay! ‘Tis not so! A second doth approach, and this one claimeth the heritage of a real video game! Can it be some lost heir of noble lineage? Nay! ‘Tis in fact the bastard child of Dragon Age and some vile temptress of crass commercialism. A mere enfeebled, poorly-graphicked turn-based RPG here resideth, and lo, it doth demand the invitation of thy friends to join thou, and thy imparting of moneys for uninterrupted play. Back, foul demon of corruption! I rebuke you and closeth thy window!

Better Alternative:

‘Sooth, twould be better if thou didst play some true game of Bioware such as Dragon Age or Mass Effect, not some pretender to the throne!

Flood-It

Now this is interesting. As far as I can tell, this game and Sudoku are the only games on Google+ that have no way of generating revenue from gaming. It is also—perhaps no coincidence—one of the few good games on the site. It’s a puzzle game with incredibly simple rules, but surprising complexity of strategy. It’s silent, visually uncluttered, and relaxing.

Better Alternative:

If you’re looking for something to play on Google+ while waiting for other people to show up, this may be your best bet. It’s much less addicting and easy to pull yourself away from than the other games on here, and it might even get your brain functioning to boot.

Click for Part 1 of this review.

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4 Responses to Google+ Games: A Vicious Review to Protect Your Sanity: Part 2

  1. Pingback: Death of a Gamer (or DEST1NY SUCKZ LOLOLOLOL) | Mindless Productivity

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  3. Pingback: Quick Post Updates…And Polls! And Marginally More Scheduled Posting! But Don’t Hold Me To That! | Mindless Productivity

  4. Pingback: Google+ Games: A Scathing Review To Save Your Life: Part 1 | Mindless Productivity

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