The Long Dark Night Shift of the Soul

<The Work Begins>

Me: Ah, what a wonderful day! How wonderful to go to work and earn my living! Nothing can ruin my day! Not you, Racist Sexist Manager! Not you, PMSing Supervisor! Not even you, Seasonal Allergies! I have vanquished even you, by taking off-brand Non-Drowsy Allergy Relief pills!

Ominous Echo: NON-DROWSY

Me: Yes, Non-Drowsy Allergy Relief pills! What could possibly go wrong?

Loud Thunderclap.

Me: Nothing at all, that’s what!

PMSing Supervisor: Nathan, do you want to go on…………..THE LISSSSST?

(The List is a list that appears on slow days. Those who go on The List may be sent home early if business stays slow. It can be a blessing or a curse.)

Me: Why would I want to do that? I can make so much wonderful money by working my whole shift today! And I feel so lively and brimming with energy! No, no list for me.

Deep Ghostly Voice: DOOOOOOOM!

Me: Did you hear something? Eh, probably just the wind.


<Some Time Passes>

Me: Yaw…aw…aaawwaaaw…hmm. Odd. I feel so…sort of tired, listless, out of energy, almost…


Me: No…no, I feel Non-Drowsy. Non-Drowsy at all…Non-Drowsy cat wall…Non-Drowsy hat fall…Non-Drowsy…

PMSS: Guess what, you’re working register. Go talk to everybody and don’t do anything weird.

Me: …splat squall…


<Chance Encounter>

Me: Hi, can I take your order?

Moderately Attractive Girl: Hi, I’d like a cheeseburger.

Me: I love you.

MAG: Sorry, what?

Me: …r taste in cuisine. That will be $3.35.


<Bathroom Break>

Me: Aha! Time to multitask! I should text that guy that I’m supposed to text.


Me: Has the alphabet always had so many letters in it?


<Back at the Register>

Me: Can I get a drink?


Me: Can I help with ice cream?


Me: …

Me: I need ice up here.



<Closing Time>

Me: What do I need to do now?

PMSS: Well, first you need to dump all this out, unscrew this piece and then separate these two smaller pieces, but you’ll need to stick your finger in there to hold it in place while you twist the outer part off, then you need to take the big tub and lid back to the sink in the back, then put some bleach water in there and then some soap and add some water and clean out those stains, and then you’ll need to find a little tool back there that looks like one of those pipe cleaners—not the big one, you’ll use that for something else, go back to the kitchen, and you’ll find some smaller ones—and take  that and run it through the spout there several times to clean it and then you need to rinse it out well and make sure you get all the bleach and soapy water out. That’s the first thing. You got it?

Me: …something about bleach…

PMSS: Good job.


<Asking for Help>

Me: Which sink do I use?

Racist Sexist Manager: That one.

Me: Okay.

RSM: Nope, just kidding, this one. I’m just f%#$ing with you. You need to take me less seriously.

Me: That would be difficult, sir.


<Men and Women>

RSM: You know what you look like you need? Relationship advice!

Me: This wouldn’t have anything to do with strip clubs, would it?

RSM: You know what you need to have a good relationship with a woman?

Me: Does it have anything to do with ‘sammiches’?

RSM: Never let a woman tell you what to do. You’ve got to stand up for what you want, and just let her know who wears the pants.

PMSS: Shut up and get back to work.

RSM: Yes, maam.

This entry was posted in Humor and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to The Long Dark Night Shift of the Soul

  1. Caroline says:

    I feel saefisitd after reading that one.

  2. Pingback: Hindsight is 50/50 | Mindless Productivity

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s