Oh, To Be Young and Awkward and Stupid Once More

I miss the days when a woman’s smile could turn me into a gelatinous, incoherent mess. Perhaps it is merely the balancing of hormones that comes with growing into my twenties, or maybe I just have enough self-confidence to be less easily flustered, but either way, I feel like another part of my youth is peeling off of me.

High School:

My first real crush. For five years, I had a crush on a girl who, in the interest of not furthering her embarrassment any more than I already have, shall remain nameless. We talked often—that is to say, I would throw crumpled pieces of paper at her head or startle her by hiding behind doors, and she would ask me to stop. Still, I was not easily dissuaded in those days, and continued to write coded messages to her and spell her name in my alphabet soup.

College:

The incubational period of infatuation shortened rapidly as I moved into my college years. The entirety of my next crush lasted about as long as it took me to get over my first—a little over a year. Shortly after this panned out, I wound up in an actual relationship, which lasted for a few months.

After the break-up, I had a few crushes that lasted a few months each, again, each one shorter than the one before. Then, right around senior year, the pain of rejection stopped. For close to two years now, I haven’t been painfully devastated to discover that feelings were not as mutual as I thought. Disappointment and embarrassment, yes, but not that lonely ache in the pit of your stomach.

Post-Graduation:

And now, it seems like these feelings rarely last more than a few minutes. “Out of sight, out of mind” seems to be my new romantic philosophy.

And yes, it hurts less, and I bounce back quickly now…but I can’t help but think that the pain and the awkwardness and the overpowering embarrassment were results of caring what a particular girl thought of me. Now that these symptoms have faded, I have to wonder if I’ve stopped caring at all.

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One Response to Oh, To Be Young and Awkward and Stupid Once More

  1. Pingback: Hindsight is 50/50 | Mindless Productivity

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