Disclaimer: I am not an expert on sex. However, as an Adult Human Male, I consider myself at least a passable authority on sexy.
Second Disclaimer: When the pronoun “you” is used in this post, it is referring to female readers. Feel free to read, guys, but don’t be weirded out by sentences implying that you have the hots for the Old Spice guy.
There’s a lot of preliminary talking, so if you want to go straight to the tips, scroll down to where the numbers are.
When looking up descriptions of action movies, one of the phrases that recurs is “A taut and sexy thriller.” Then, when I watch the movie, I try to figure out what part of it is supposed to be sexy.
Explosions? Not terribly sexy.
Gunfights? Not terribly sexy.
Sudden obligatory sex scene. Ah. I guess that’s the sexy part.
From a writer’s standpoint, “Sex is sexy” is just bad writing. You don’t say, “cats are catlike”–cats are cats, and “catlike”, by definition, should be used to describe something that is not a cat. In the same way, sex is not sexy–sex is sex, and “sexy” describes something that hints at sex.
Our media–movies, TV, music, magazines–all sends a message to women that the only way to attract men is to “show off whatcha got”. And so they think the only way they can get guys to notice them is to wear tight, revealing clothing. But is this actually sexy?
Well, yeah, obviously. Let’s not be so prudish that we say stupid things.
As guys, we’re very visually-oriented, and physical appearance plays a large role in initial attraction. But most guys (at least, the kinds you want to date), know that there’s a lot more to you than your body.
There is a time and place for everything, but the time and place for skimpy clothing is not “always” and “everywhere”. Remember, those pantsless leggings and plunging neckline may grab the attention of guys like this:
…but they’ll also get the attention of guys like this:
Now that you’ve finished peeing your pants, let’s get back to talking about se–
Hang on, let’s get some distance from that picture first.
Okay, I think we’re safe now.
So, let’s get back to talking about sexy…specifically, tips on how to be attractive that go beyond hairdos, makeup, and clothes (or lack thereof).
Third disclaimer: These suggestions are based on my own personal tastes and experiences, what’s attractive will differ from one man to another. However, I hope that they will hold true for most guys.
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7 Ways To Be Sexy Without Taking Your Clothes Off (Finally)
1. Be Expressive
Eyes are the windows to the soul. But when someone’s eyes are dead and expressionless, it’s like there’s a painted backdrop in front of that window. Having a static facial expression, even one that appears interested, sends a message that your face is on autopilot and you aren’t actually enjoying the conversation.
You have muscles in your forehead for a reason. Using them to vary your expression makes your face more visually stimulating and appealing. Having an expressive face can turn prolonged eye contact from creepy to enticing.
If you find yourself afflicted with perpetual stony-face, don’t worry! It’s never too late to learn. First, find some facial role models. If you have friends with expressive faces, watch their mannerisms and reactions. When you watch movies with close-up shots of conversations, watch how the actors and actresses communicate emotions.
Then practice moving your facial muscles in the mirror. Exaggerate the movement of your features at first, and then gradually tone down the movement to make the expressions more subtle. Add them to your facial repertoire by trying them out in conversations.
Facial expressions are a visual vocabulary, and need to be used before they feel natural. It may feel awkward at first, but so does walking, writing, dancing, or anything else worth doing.
We live in a stressful, workaholic, caffeine-addicted world, and sometimes it’s hard to just relax. But letting go of that stress is important–both for yourself and for the people that you’re close to.
The right guy should help you to let your guard down and loosen up, and it’s important to let him know that. If all he sees is the side of you that is tense and tightly wound, he may feel like he’s contributing to your stress instead of helping you deal with it.
Practice doing nothing. Take some time every day to clear your mind of all the things that you have to do, and let go of your worries. Try some deep-breathing exercises to relax yourself physically as well as mentally. Enjoy quiet.
And when you’re in the midst of an activity you enjoy, focus on the present, instead of everything else that you think you should be doing instead. And when you are doing something that seems like a drudge, don’t stress or depress yourself by thinking of everything you’d rather be doing–get the job done and then enjoy the free time you’ve earned.
3. Be Confident
…but not cocky.
This kind of confidence is less about bravado than it is about self-esteem. Confidence and a healthy self-esteem are very attractive in girls. Not the hyper-feminist “I’m a strong woman who don’t need no man” kind of confidence–but the quieter confidence that comes from knowing your own self-worth.
Girls with low self-esteem are at high risk of becoming emotionally needy or over-dependent somewhere down the line in a relationship, which scares guys away. As guys, we want to supplement and reinforce your self-worth–not be your self-worth entirely.
Take some time to think about all your positive attributes and likable traits. Remind yourself that you are a great singer, speaker, pole-vaulter, cook, listener, joke-teller, writer, artist, doctor, barista, or friend, even when nobody else notices.
Remember–humility is recognizing the limits of your abilities, not putting yourself down or pretending you don’t have any at all.
4. Learn the Subtle Art of Wit
I hesitated to put this one on here. For one thing, I can’t find a picture to go along with this tip (How do you take a picture of “wit”?). Also, I don’t know exactly how to define wit. And lastly, I’m not sure wit is something that can be easily learned.
However, I cannot deny that wit is sexy. So I will try to cover this one…
As William Shakespeare said, “Brevity is the soul of wit.” In some ways, I think wit is the art of saying as much as you can with as few words as possible. This can be done through wordplay, allusion, implication, and many other tools.
As far as how to learn wit…my best recommendation is just to play with words and ideas. Read the works of witty people, like Shakespeare and Winston Churchill, or examine the routines of intellectual comedians. Try to learn how their words manage to have such bite, and try to do the same.
You can also take the “brevity” route to learning wit. Listen to how effectively you use your language and try to streamline it. Think about abstract concepts and try to describe them in as few words as possible.
You might even try not speaking at all…
5. Become a Master of Artful Silence
Now it’s time to use those skills of expressiveness you learned earlier. Using only facial expressions, head tilts, eye movements, smiles, eyebrow raises, nods, and shrugs, see how much you can communicate without using words at all.
Supposedly, non-verbals play a bigger part of communication that our words do. Whether or not that is true, you can say a lot just by using your face.
Speaking silently can be fun, especially if it’s with someone you know. Find out how well you know each other by seeing how well you can read each other. Using non-verbal communication with a guy also allows you to send semi-private messages in a public setting, building a greater sense of conversational intimacy and creating the excitement of a shared secret.
6. Be Positive
What do Eeyore and Puddleglum have in common?
Neither of them is sexy. Pessimistic, negative, and depressing people are not very enjoyable to be around. And yet, it’s almost our default behavior to complain about the way life is going.
Positive, cheerful people are just generally more attractive than people who aren’t. Try smiling a little more often, and you’ll see what a difference it means to the opposite sex.
Hopefully this one is pretty self-explanatory. Try to find a positive side to the bad things that happen to you. And don’t dwell on things that haven’t gone right. Move past the bad things and enjoy everything that is still going well for you.
This doesn’t mean you should try and act as if nothing bad ever happens to you…just see the bad things as the exception, rather than the rule.
7. Be Creative
I’ll let you in on a secret…guys are boring. We like variety and new things, but we’re a bit lazy when it comes to actually creating that variety.
Personally, I think creativity is a very attractive trait in a girl. It shows a desire to add something new to the world, rather than just be spoon-fed pop music and television. Plus, seeing creativity on someone else’s part often sparks creativity in myself.
Sharing your creativity also shows vulnerability. It takes courage to show something that you’ve created–something that’s close to your heart–to someone else for their perusal and critique. But doing so helps build up trust.
And eventually, that creativity can be used on a more personal level–writing a poem or painting a picture for that special someone–which helps bring you closer together.
How do you become more creative? I think everyone is born with at least some creativity. To get more, you have to nurture what you’ve got. If you have the skills of an artist, make art! If you like writing, then write! If you make statues out of Q-tips…………………that’s nice, I guess. But whatever you do, keep experimenting and pushing the bounds of your imagination.
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Well, I said I would give you 7 ways to be sexy, and I have, so I guess this post is about finished, except for one thing…
TIP NUMBER 8: Embrace the Unexpected
One of the biggest complaints women have about men is:
They. Don’t. Stay. Focused. On. One. Woman.
This is a big problem. As I said before, guys like variety, and often, they like variety in women as well. Some of this problem may be sexual, but I think the biggest factor is that mystery is alluring.
I’m not going to try and defend the distractability of guys’ eyes, but this post is for you, ladies, and things that you can do–and changing the way the male mind thinks might be a little out of your reach (or not…what do I know?). So all I’m going to say is this:
If you want a guy to stay interested,
Routines are comfortable, but they are also restrictive. Look for ways to break out of your regularly scheduled programming and grab his attention anew. Become once more the sexy enigma you were when he first met you.
Fly a kite. Bungee jump. Take a car trip across the country. Shoot off fireworks in December. Find creative uses for leftovers. Write a short story. Make a website. Build a snow castle. Pretend to be a time traveler for a day. Learn a new language. Have a conversation made entirely of quotes from 80s movies. Play Russian roulette with a Nerf gun. Host a bake sale. Hide in a refrigerator. Moonwalk in the supermarket. Go on a fishing trip. Write a song for your answering machine message. Fill your room with balloons. Start a pie fight. Dance on tables.
And most of all, have fun. Maybe you’ll fall in love next week. Or maybe in thirty years. Either way, you don’t have to wait for a relationship before getting the most out of life.