What In Every Form Of Hell, Internet?

Seriously.

What.

The.

Hell.

Is wrong with you people?

I tried to tell myself that you internetters aren’t all as mind-bogglingly insane as I think you are, BUT YOU JUST KEEP PROVING ME WRONG.

You’re all crazy, really.

And you know how I know? Because I can see the search results that brought you here.

I can understand how most of these search results wound up bringing you to the blog, but WHY ARE YOU SEARCHING FOR THEM IN THE FIRST PLACE?

Today, I thought I’d seen the oddest one yet: “sexy girls are taking the clothes that belongs to the doctor”. Whether this is some sort of surgical fantasy, or the synopsis to an episode of Doctor Who that I blocked out of my memory, I’m not sure.

But then I started looking through the other weird search results.

Dear Internet,

Why did two of you come to Mindless Productivity looking for “boys in skimpy 80’s shorts”?

How did “farm girls in overalls” even bring you here?

And what does “unfortunate boobs come out” even mean?

To the person who searched for “watch dancy sexy without closes”…congratulations. You just won the award for Too Stupid To Find Porn On The Internet.

And speaking of porn…why in hell did 15 different people search for variations on “long john silvers porn”, “long john silver porno”, and “free porn with long john slver”?

Don’t tell me. I honestly don’t want to know.

But the one that takes the cake (yes, I went there), is…

“portal still alive porn”

You, sir, will be a virgin forever, sitting sad and alone at your computer, envisioning some bizarre threesome between Chell, GLaDos, and the Weighted Companion Cube.

That’s all for today, weirdos. I’m going to go scrub my brain with a loofah.

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6 Responses to What In Every Form Of Hell, Internet?

  1. Pingback: SEX! SEX! SEX! and Other Bad Ways to Generate Blog Traffic | Mindless Productivity

  2. Cameron says:

    Hey, I got linked here for lego dinosaur porn, but I can’t find it anywhere. What gives?

    (Yes, this is a joke)

  3. Anonymous says:

    Btw – You realize that putting all those things into the text of a blog post is now going to make it even more likely people will find your blog on similar search terms? Might want to reconsider that…

  4. Fenton McKnight says:

    Perhaps bots are the answer for some of these? At least one can hope so….
    Perhaps I am just to optimistic….

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