Misadventures in Meat (or, A Burger Less Boring) — Summer of Awesomeness: Day 37

There are few things as sad as the wanton waste of meat.

Yesterday, I was dismayed to discover that two and a half pounds of hamburger meat I had in the fridge was eight days past the use-by date. In a panic, I threw the hamburger into the freezer, like placing a sickly aunt in cryogenic freezing, in the hope that science will someday find the cure for whatever disease she ails from.

Then I remembered that it was two and a half pounds of hamburger meat, and not a loved one. Nobody, as far as I knew, was searching for a cure for rancidness.

So today I brought the hamburger meat out of the freezer. Upon peeling back the plastic wrap, I found that the meat did, indeed, smell “funky”. It seemed that the hamburger was a lost cause.

BUT, then I decided to apply Science to the problem.

When an iron pipe starts to rust, where is the rust? On the outside.

When a loaf of bread or a wheel of cheese starts to mold, where is the mold? On the outside.

So when a two and a half pound chunk of hamburger meat starts to go bad, where is the bad meat? Could it be…ON THE OUTSIDE?!?!?

With a bound, I hurled the hamburger into the microwave to defrost. After five minutes, I removed the hamburger and peeled off the defrosted outer layer, about a fourth of the chunk. This meat smelled quite funky, but the meat that remained…smelled less funky!

Fearing to hope, I continued to defrost. Another five minutes later, I removed another layer of hamburger. This layer smelled somewhat funky, and what remained…smelled only slightly funky!

After the final bout of microwaving, I removed the last outer layer of hamburger. This layer of hamburger smelled only slightly funky, and what remained–the innermost half-pound of hamburger–smelled perfectly all right!

“Science,” I cried, “you’ve done it again!” I ran through my house, seeking anyone else who would join me in my banquet of victory. And who should I run into but David Colgan, creator of Life Less Boring!

“Colgan, would you like to eat a burger made of only slightly questionable meat?” I asked. I told him of my travails, and showed him the hamburger I had managed to salvage. He gave it a sniff, and deemed it worth trying.

I then proceeded to George Foreman the crap out of those burgers.

We then ate our burgers on buns that were only slightly older than the meat.

I decided to festoon mine with ketchup, sweet-spicy mustard, and goat cheese.

David, on the other hand, decided to have his burger with a side of Amorphous Blog, a homemade concoction of his that includes radishes, turnips, kale, eggs, scapes, garlic, and other vegetables found around the house.

As I write this post, the burger is still settling, so I have yet to discover whether or not I will eventually regret eating it. For now, though, I don’t regret a single bite.

How about you? What daring and dangerous dining have you done?

This entry was posted in Food, Humor, Summer of Awesomeness and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Misadventures in Meat (or, A Burger Less Boring) — Summer of Awesomeness: Day 37

  1. When I lived alone in Atlanta last summer, I used to make quite a bit of pasta with Alfredo sauce. Did you know you’re supposed to keep Alfredo in the fridge once opened? I didn’t. It wasn’t for a whole month that I became aware of this. Also, I like to pretend salad dressing expiration dates are loose. Very loose. As in +- 3 months loose.

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