There are few things as sad as the wanton waste of meat.
Yesterday, I was dismayed to discover that two and a half pounds of hamburger meat I had in the fridge was eight days past the use-by date. In a panic, I threw the hamburger into the freezer, like placing a sickly aunt in cryogenic freezing, in the hope that science will someday find the cure for whatever disease she ails from.
Then I remembered that it was two and a half pounds of hamburger meat, and not a loved one. Nobody, as far as I knew, was searching for a cure for rancidness.
So today I brought the hamburger meat out of the freezer. Upon peeling back the plastic wrap, I found that the meat did, indeed, smell “funky”. It seemed that the hamburger was a lost cause.
BUT, then I decided to apply Science to the problem.
When an iron pipe starts to rust, where is the rust? On the outside.
When a loaf of bread or a wheel of cheese starts to mold, where is the mold? On the outside.
So when a two and a half pound chunk of hamburger meat starts to go bad, where is the bad meat? Could it be…ON THE OUTSIDE?!?!?
With a bound, I hurled the hamburger into the microwave to defrost. After five minutes, I removed the hamburger and peeled off the defrosted outer layer, about a fourth of the chunk. This meat smelled quite funky, but the meat that remained…smelled less funky!
Fearing to hope, I continued to defrost. Another five minutes later, I removed another layer of hamburger. This layer smelled somewhat funky, and what remained…smelled only slightly funky!
After the final bout of microwaving, I removed the last outer layer of hamburger. This layer of hamburger smelled only slightly funky, and what remained–the innermost half-pound of hamburger–smelled perfectly all right!
“Science,” I cried, “you’ve done it again!” I ran through my house, seeking anyone else who would join me in my banquet of victory. And who should I run into but David Colgan, creator of Life Less Boring!
“Colgan, would you like to eat a burger made of only slightly questionable meat?” I asked. I told him of my travails, and showed him the hamburger I had managed to salvage. He gave it a sniff, and deemed it worth trying.
I then proceeded to George Foreman the crap out of those burgers.
We then ate our burgers on buns that were only slightly older than the meat.
I decided to festoon mine with ketchup, sweet-spicy mustard, and goat cheese.
David, on the other hand, decided to have his burger with a side of Amorphous Blog, a homemade concoction of his that includes radishes, turnips, kale, eggs, scapes, garlic, and other vegetables found around the house.
As I write this post, the burger is still settling, so I have yet to discover whether or not I will eventually regret eating it. For now, though, I don’t regret a single bite.
How about you? What daring and dangerous dining have you done?