If you’re anything like me, you have days when you come home, look at your living room, and shout, “Does Drabley Drabberson live here? Whence came such atrocious decor? Something must be done!”
And done shall something be. For the only thing your living room needs to be spruced up is…bits of wild animals. That’s right. Look around your living room. Do you see any bits of wild animals? Of course not. But don’t worry! Redecorating is easy, and all it takes is a local zoo and a few other easily obtained resources.
[Edit: My lawyer tells me that naming this post How To Redecorate Your Home In 6 Legal Steps is misleading and legally a tad sticky. How To Redecorate Your Home In 6 Easy Steps is still misleading, but less sticky.]
Step 1: Select Your Wild Animal
Before you can go about redecorating, you must decide what kind of animal you want to festoon your living area. For example, a tiger.
No, on second thought, let’s not use a tiger for an example. Let us instead use an elephant.
Step 2: Acquire a Zookeeper Uniform and Zoo Keys
Zookeeper uniforms are surprisingly easy to get a hold of. They cost roughly as much as one tranquilizer dart and three hours of shooting lessons. Zoo keys are similarly inexpensive.
Step 3: Acquire a Wild Animal
Now that you are bedecked in the latest Zookeeper fashions, you are ready to acquire your wild animal. Spend the day at the zoo giving guided tours, to acclimate yourself to the environment. Most of your tour-speech can be taken directly from the information boards in front of each exhibit, as the vast majority of Americans do not know how to read. If you feel creative, add little bits of trivia to spice up your monologue. (“Giraffes have been known to spit sticky, corrosive mucus to trap their prey.”)
After the crowds have gone away, pull your animal-transport vehicle into the zoo. A typical Bengal elephant should fit comfortably in the back of a pick-up truck. I recommend writing “ZOO” on the side of your truck, in case anyone should ask any tricky questions.
Pull your truck up to the elephant enclosure, and determine where the animal is. Because of their genetic similarity to other large cats, elephants are quite lithe, and often like to climb trees. It may be difficult to spot at first, but the elephant’s colorful pelt will soon betray its location.
You can try to shoot it with tranquilizers from here, but I recommend luring it down from the trees first. Set out some raw steak on the ground, and the elephant will bound from the trees for a snack. While it feasts, shoot it with tranquilizers. Several. Just to be safe.
Once the elephant has become unconscious, unlock the cage. Make sure the elephant is unconscious, and not merely sleeping, as it can be quite dangerous. Drag the elephant onto the bed of the pickup truck, but be mindful of its sharp claws.
Step 4: Make Your Getaway
If you wish to conceal your elephant, I recommend filling the bed of your pickup truck with large stuffed animals. Then, any law enforcement officials who should happen to notice your egress will be misled by the colorful stuffed pets, and your elephant will be overlooked. However, a word of caution: make sure the elephant is sufficiently tranquilized, or else you may never see your beloved Mayor Mcfluffle again.
Step 5: Rearrange Your Wild Animal
There is no easy way to do what needs to happen next. You must, I fear, send your elephant to a better place. Elephant heaven. Don’t worry, your elephant will be happy there, running through the tall grass and mauling angel gazelles. Your method of conveying your elephant to elephant heaven is up to you.
Anyway, once that messy bit is finished, you must then embark on an even more messy bit: Rearrangement.
First, you must remove the head of your elephant. After it has been removed and, theoretically, taxidermized, it can be fastened to a board and hung on the wall as a trophy. If the elephant had begun to wake up as you were transporting it to elephant heaven, the head may now have a fierce snarl, which will look exciting hanging on your wall.
Now, you must also remove the skin of your elephant. Once this is done, you will have a nice elephant-skin rug for your living room. The black and orange stripes of the elephant’s pelt will bring vivacity to an otherwise dull room.
Step 6: Dispose of the Remains
Now that you have the important bits of elephant, it is time to get rid of any incriminating evidence.
I recommend taking the remains of your elephant to a friend’s house. Distract your friend with a new method of being motivated to write. While he’s distracted by buying life insurance, sneak in the leftover elephant bits. Make sure to hide them somewhere where your friend will not notice them for a few weeks, like his shower or laundry hamper.
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And there you have it! Now your living room, with its new elephantine decor, will be the envy of all your friends!
Note: No animals were harmed in the making of this post. Except for the Sumatran snow eels whose blood I used to make the ink.