8 Ways To Never Spend More Than $5 On Halloween

Halloween costumes are overrated. It’s All Hallow’s Eve and people are gallivanting about in outlandish dress, many of which were very expensive or very time-consuming to make.

Silly people. Don’t you realize you don’t need to spend time or money to participate in this devil-worshiping pagan holiday? You can do it all for free…or relatively free.

1. Russian Spy

Dress normally, but with one odd or eclectic article of clothing that people will notice, like a sombrero (don’t buy a sombrero, this is just for the example). When they ask you what you are, say:

“I am Russian spy.”

Thick, cheesy Russian accent is optional. If anyone points out that you have no accent, tell them it is part of your disguise.

When they ask why you are wearing a sombrero (or what have you), say:

“Have you never seen Russian spy with sombrero?”


“That is why disguise is so effective.”

2. Mirror

Stand against a wall (or better, a wall mirror, if you can find one). When people walk up to you, mimic their actions. Don’t explain…just wait for them to get it.

If they ask you a question, don’t speak, but mouth words along with them while they talk.

3. Serial Killer

Wear what you would normally wear. If anyone asks you what you’re dressed as, direct the conversation as follows:

Them: “What are you supposed to be?”

You: “A serial killer.”

Them: “You don’t look like a serial killer.”

You: “That’s why I haven’t been caught yet.”

Then stare at them, without blinking, before showing a wide, hollow smile that doesn’t reach to your eyes. Continue to stare at them as they inch awkwardly away.

4. Coworker

If you work at a job where all employees wear a standard uniform, steal someone else’s nametag and be them for the day. The less the name fits you, the better.

Refuse to answer to your own name until your coworker steals the nametag back. Then find someone else’s nametag to steal.

5. Pirate

Wear headphones. When people ask who you are, tell them, “I’m a pirate. Arr.” If they say you don’t look like a pirate, explain, “I’m a music pirate.” If they still look skeptical, hand them your headphones and let them listen to part of your carefully prepared playlist of pirate-themed songs.

6. Timelord

This is for parties with a particularly nerdy bent. Speak in your best British accent. You can either dress normally, or you can accessorize lightly, depending on which iteration of the Doctor you are portraying: A bow tie for the 11th, a scarf for the 4th, celery for the 5th, crazy hair for the 10th, etc.

If anyone says, “You look human,” respond, “You look timelord.”

If anyone asks to see your sonic screwdriver, reach into your pocket and triumphantly pull out a normal screwdriver. Look at it in surprise and then wander off, telling them you seem to have misplaced your sonic one.

When it’s time to leave the party, let the host know you’ve parked your Tardis in the bathroom. Lock yourself in the bathroom, make strange noises for a couple minutes, and then climb out the window.

7. Normal British Person

If you’ve already gone to the trouble of perfecting your British accent, but nobody understands the Doctor Who references, just tell people you’re an alternate version of yourself from a universe in which the United States lost the Revolutionary War.

8. Normal Time Traveller

If you like the time travel theme but can’t pull off a British accent, just tell people that you are yourself from two weeks in the future. Give people strange ominous warnings all night, like, “Whatever you do, don’t eat the Gouda.” Single out one particular person and every time you see them, begin crying uncontrollably and run away.

This entry was posted in How-To, Humor and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to 8 Ways To Never Spend More Than $5 On Halloween

  1. Pingback: The Unhalloweened | Mindless Productivity

  2. Katie says:

    Hahahahaha, great list!

  3. Rachel says:

    Ha ha!! These are absolutely spectacular.

  4. Damn so many goood choices here….I don’t which one to pick from first…I really the Serial Killer one….but then again the Mirror one intrigues me….one creeps people out and the other would annoy the hell out of you…

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