Teenagers, you probably feel pretty self-conscious most of the time. If you don’t, just take a look in the mirror. There you go.
What are you doing with those arms? Don’t tell me they’re new. You’ve had those things for most of your life, and you still don’t know what to do with them? Just gonna let ’em hang like Neanderthal attachments? Not cool. You look like your body awkwardly tagged along to a party when your head was the only one who got an invitation. Seriously, shape up, Body. You’re embarrassing Head, and you’re embarrassing yourself.
Oh, now you’re going for the pockets? Okay, sure. Bury those hands so deep you’re getting denim lint stuck in your armpits. What kind of shenanigans are those hands getting up to? God only knows, and he’s not telling.
Pulling the hands out? Oh, just partway out. Which do you want pointing to your crotch, fingers or thumbs? Maybe one of each, go for variety?
Switching it up, going for the back pockets, I see. Nothing says ‘confidence’ like grabbing your own ass, my friend.
Try hands on your hips. Arms akimbo, nothing wrong with that. Classic Wonder Woman pose. Oh, sorry, dude, I didn’t mean that. I meant Wonder Man. No, somehow, that’s even worse.
Ooh, cross your arms! Show aggression and stuff. That’s good. Wait, left arm over right arm or right arm over left arm? And is it hands over or hands under? Try under. Try over. Try one hand sticking up on top and one hiding in your armpit. Should the one on top make a fist, or wrap around the arm? Try the other one on top. Try it that way, but with the other arm on top. No, the other way again. Try making a pretzel.
Never mind. Let your freakish octopus arms hang down like hideous skin Slinkies. There’s no hope for you.