Bah Humbug, Lovebirds

I told myself I wasn’t going to write a Valentine’s Day post, but I’ve got to write something or I’m going to lose all this momentum I’ve built up blogging the past couple weeks, and I’m running out of ideas to blog about, so screw it, here comes the Valentine’s Day post.

Anatomical Heart

I think ol’ Scrooge put it best: “If I could work my will, every idiot who goes about with ‘Happy Valentine’s Day’ on his lips should be choked with his own chocolates and buried with Cupid’s arrow through his arse!”

Now, I know you think I’m just bitter…and hey, I probably am, but let’s be honest. If being in a relationship was my be-all and end-all, I’d be in one. Hell, if Osama Bin Laden had five wives, it can’t be that hard.

In the end, it boils down to the fact that I am a very selfish, independent person and have no plans to change. Maturity and personal growth are for other people! My pursuits are also very solitary: reading, gaming, and watching movies…alone. Because if I wanted to listen to you talk, I wouldn’t have suggested we watch a movie, NOW WOULD I?

But hey, Valentine’s Day is a great concept. Nothing says romantic spontaneity like an annual scheduled holiday. Dance, monkeys! Da-a-ance!

Meh, I can’t generate any real hate for the day. I guess I just don’t like pink.

Well, except for this: the people who are clearly doing the romantic rigmarole out of obligation and expectation (e.g., “If I give her flowers and a backrub, I get steak and a blowjob.”).

Now, if you want to do nice things, by all means, go ahead. But don’t look at Valentine’s Day as the only day to do nice things…as a cop-out for not being thoughtful the rest of the year. Find other times to do relationshippy things. Be spontaneous! Even if you have to fake it: Use a calendar date generator to pick random days to plan romantic gestures. You get the time to plan, but without the expectedness of V-Day or your anniversary.

If you’re married, don’t use sex as a bargaining chip. Whatever sick, twisted sex thing you married people like to get up to–if you save it for only those special days, it becomes something you subconsciously avoid. Play your cards freely, without saving them to use as weapons later. And whatever you do, for God’s sake, please don’t tell me about it.

And lock your doors first, guys. Seriously.

And if you don’t think you’re cut out for this whole ‘putting the love of your life before yourself’ thing, do everyone involved a favor and do what I do. Stay single. Enjoy the finer things in life.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some leftover frozen pizza to microwave and five seasons of Breaking Bad to plow through.

This entry was posted in Humor, Relationships and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Bah Humbug, Lovebirds

  1. Beiong Married is great….because you can sit with your woman and just both be quiet and watch that movie or play that video game together because its what you BOTH like to do….yet were still both indepedant…..we do our own thing…I read a book or write or she does her blogging, works out , or I work out. Or we take a walk together and talk. She goes out with some of her friends…I go out with mine or we all do things together…everything is a give and take in a good relationship that works….. plus you get this little perk called sex sometimes….which is alot better than mr, hand…I’ve done the single thing and it got old…I’m glad I met her and I know everyday I’m with her is blessing…she’s my buddy – and my sex buddy…:) – …hey sorry gotta go, the pizza just came out of the oven and me and my wife have gotta go wattch Breaking Bad…were up to Season 3 on Netflix…. cya

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