Pretty People Depress Me

WARNING: I foresee nothing of value coming out of this blog post. Save yourself from a heavy dose of depression and self-loathing and just stop reading right here.

Attractive women depress the crap out of me. Not even movie-star-level attractiveness, just any sort of moderately attractive female will do. Whenever I run into one of these people, I immediately generate a mental image of myself that is much more overweight, grungy, and sickly-looking than I actually am. And yet some stupid part of my brain starts yelling “YOU SHOULD TOTALLY TALK TO THAT PERSON!”

Why?

Why should being pretty be any sort of indicator of a good conversationalist?

And furthermore, what would I even say? What possible reason could I have for starting a conversation with a complete stranger? “Oh, hey, I noticed that you are buying rhubarb, there, in your cart there. I just thought that I would point that out because I, too, have, at certain times, purchased rhubarb, from this very store, even. Let us be friends.”

I’m not stupid…I know that the urge to converse with pretty girls comes from a sex drive, but even that seems like a stupid motivation in my case. At least most guys are actively looking for someone to have sex with. If, for some unfathomable reason, some blind and brain-damaged woman actually did want to have sex with me, I’d have to tell her that I’m saving sex for marriage…and I’m not really that into marriage, either.

Why do we think pretty people are better at sex, anyway? Weight, I can kind of understand…it might be hard to enjoy sex if you’re being smothered under Eglonesque mounds of blubber, but aside from that, how much does attractiveness really factor in to sex itself? When you’re lip-and-hip-locked with someone else, how much can you really appreciate their physical attributes?

Don’t come away from this assuming that I’m not superficial: I am, I just don’t understand why. And yes, I’ve heard the evolutionary explanations before, I just think they’re full of bullshit: a.) They give no rationale for differing tastes, and b.) If my subconscious mind is smart enough to know that wider hips allow for easier childbirth, it should be smart enough to know that eating cheesy popcorn and playing video games are not evolutionary advantages.

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