BEYOND THIS POINT BE SPOILERS!
So…I went to see Thor the other night. Yes, the new one. With the subtitle and everything. It was a pretty good superhero movie. Not as good as some of my favorites, but not as bad as some others, cough Spider-Man 3 cough.
And then after the movie ended, I waited for the inevitable credits tease. What would we see? Captain America? Nick Fury?
Or Benecio Del Toro as…um…Space Zoolander? I guess that’s cool.
I consider myself fairly well versed in Marvel lore, but even I had to go to Wikipedia to figure out who the crap The Collector is. He is not, as my brother suggested, a refugee from a bad episode of Doctor Who. In a surprising turn of events, he likes to collect things. Mainly the Avengers, though with little success.
Admittedly, there’s not much barrel left to scrape. Most of the big baddies of the Marvel universe have been doled out to the X-Men and Spider-Man studios, or have been summarily executed.
Maybe he’ll be an imposing villain after all. Maybe he’ll flip ya, you know.
My concerns with Guardians Of The Galaxy isn’t that it will be a terrible movie. My concern is that it may signal the end of the Marvel movie empire as we know it. And I’m not just saying that because of the giant talking anthropomorphic raccoon.
But yeah, it’s totally the giant talking anthropomorphic raccoon.
Of course, the movie studios know we don’t expect to take this movie seriously because it has a giant talking anthropomorphic raccoon in it. Which is why that raccoon is going to say something really damn sassy in the trailer.
Human Character: “I can’t believe it. I’m talking to a giant raccoon.”
Rocket Raccoon: “Yeah, well, I’m talking to a hairless ape in spandex, so it’s a weird day for both of us.
Loud Audience Geek: “Ha! See! They’re totally going to pull that off!”
But of course they’re not going to pull it off, because it’s a GIANT TALKING ANTHROPOMORPHIC RACCOON.
It comes down to sex. You can make out with your girlfriend in the back row while watching a musclebound Olympian caressing a superheroine in battle armor the thickness of wet paint, but very few people can make out in the back row while watching a talking raccoon. Mainly because the girl keeps going, “AWW, IT’S SO CUUUUUUTE!”
And I don’t really care if Guardians of the Galaxy is a flop. Not for it’s own sake, anyway.
But rather than go its own way as a standalone, it is apparently going to be an integral part of the foreplay leading up to Avengers 3: Thanos: The Hands of Fate…which hasn’t even been announced yet and won’t come out for at least five years.
Staying in the loop means watching a dozen or more movies, some of which are inevitably going to bomb. And since the Marvel universe is tied together so tightly, losing an audience member for one movie can mean losing them for good.
Lose too many, and the superhero boom is gonna go…boom.
That sounded better in my head.