I’ve been searching for so long, I’ve forgotten what I’m searching for.
I don’t know when the searching began. I don’t know if the searching began, or if the search was always there, a pre-set sequence of ACTGATTCTAG somewhere down in the lower reaches of my DNA. All I know is I’ve been searching for a long time now.
I don’t even remember the category. Animal, vegetable, or mineral; person, place, or thing; concept, meaning, purpose, it could be any of these things.
It. That’s as good a name as any. Let’s call it It.
Every motion at the corner of my eyes makes me turn and look. Could that be It? It never is, though. It’s not that person who just walked by, It’s not that song I heard on the radio, It’s not that sentence I read…It isn’t any of these things.
Or so I tell myself, anyway. So much time has passed since I’ve forgotten what It was, perhaps I’ve seen It and not known It. Maybe I found It and have It somewhere in the closet, underneath the old board games and behind the forgotten friends and furniture.
I search because It is important. Or maybe It isn’t important, but It will make me happy. Or maybe It won’t make me happy, but It will make me fulfilled. Or maybe It wont make me fulfilled, but It will tell me how to find another It, the true It, the It that all lesser Its pray to, kneeling by their Itbeds in their Ithouses.
I’ve been searching for so long, I’ve forgotten that I’m still searching. There’s no conscious thought given to the search, just instinct pulling my eyes and ears to every likely candidate. And every time I don’t find It, I feel a little disappointed.
I’m disappointed a lot.
Today I realized I was searching. I realized how long I’d been searching. And I stopped. I just stopped looking for It. And for the first time in a long, long while…I felt peace.
I didn’t find It. I accepted that I haven’t found It. That I may never find It. That It may not even exist.
And life went on. And it was suddenly beautiful.
Just a momentary reprieve, I assume. Tomorrow I will probably start looking for It again. But today, for a few brief moments, I am not searching.
Today I am alive.