Oil hates water, Montagues hate Capulets, and restaurants hate single people. I don’t like it, but that’s the way things are.
You walk into a restaurant and they can smell the singleness on you. They stare, they glare, they sullenly slap a misshapen blob of beef onto the most stepped-on bun they can find.
I cannot count the number of times I have had this exact conversation:
“I’d like a burger, please.”
“Trying to fill the empty loveless void in your life, huh? That’ll be $4.85.”
Sometimes they send the hatred right to your mailbox: The Buy One Get One Free coupon, the fast-food equivalent of “Why haven’t you found someone yet?”
And if you Buy One and Get One and Eat Both, the only thing keeping them from spitting at you in disgust is that they’ve already expended their saliva seasoning your sandwich.
Why do you hate me so, coupon makers? BOGO coupons are just 50% off coupons that discriminate against singletons! Is it not enough that married people have (theoretically) met the loves of their lives and have sex on a regular basis? They also get all of the affordable restaurant food too? One of them can probably cook! But you’ve damned me to a life of Pastaroni and Banquet TV dinners!
Or perhaps not.
Because, you see, I have found a place. A magical place. A magical, wonderful place. A magical, wonderful restaurant.
A restaurant for a single man.
I cannot give the name of this restaurant. No one dares speak its name, lest it disappear into the mists like Shangri-La.
But this restaurant has 50% off coupons! They do not discriminate blindly against the single man…they welcome him with open arms!
Why? I do not know. But I suspect it has something to do with the food they serve. You see, they serve sandwiches…and sandwiches that only a single man can eat. Big, huge, floppy sandwiches full of pastrami, salami, and origami. With meats and condiments slipping out with every bite, there is no possible way to eat these sandwiches and still maintain a shred of dignity. If you weren’t single walking into the restaurant, you’ll be single walking out of it.