I Hate Boyfriends

As a straight guy, I would just like to state for the record that I hate boyfriends.

Not just because they diminish the population of available, dateable women. And not just the douchebags. All of them. All boyfriends ever. Even the “nice” ones.

I hate how they try so desperately to merge with your social group to make their girlfriends happy, even when they clearly consider you the scum of the earth.

I hate when they try to have quiet, private love-chats in the middle of large groups of people and glare at everyone else for daring to have conversations like normal people.

I hate the way they get offended on behalf of their girlfriends because they neither know what a joke is nor what their significant others are actually feeling.

I hate how they talk more than anybody else at social situations where they know absolutely no one at all.

I hate the self-conscious way they surgically attach their hands to their girlfriends’ shoulders, then look around to see if anyone notices how awkward they are.

I hate how they’re too insecure to leave their girlfriends alone for more than twenty seconds, lest they be tempted to make out with a stranger.

I hate how they laugh at in-jokes that they weren’t part of, but which their girlfriends explained to them to help them fit in.

I hate the stupid, theatrical way they kiss in front of everybody and then act so damn proud of themselves.

I hate the way they look at you every time you say anything, as if “Please pass the Oreos” is code for “I’ve had a long and tawdry history of romantic entanglement with your significant other!”

I hate that they have an opinion on every subject, no matter how little they know about it, and I hate that their opinions are always stupid.

I hate how they try to correct their girlfriends when they make the mistake of acting like human beings.

I hate when they whine about wanting to leave when they see their girlfriends having more fun than them, and whinily drag them away too, the whiners.

I hate how most of them aren’t even people any more…just people-shaped parasites, sucking the life and personality out of their significant others until there’s nothing left but a hollow shell.

So what’s the positive takeaway from this blog post? There is none. Just hate. Hate hate hate. Happy Columbus Day, everyone.

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12 Responses to I Hate Boyfriends

  1. Pingback: Things I Like | Mindless Productivity

  2. fmharley says:

    Yeah, I can see a lot of why I ended my relationship with my boyfriend in this post. He didn’t care about me and when I was almost on my breaking point he liked to do this things. I really hated that. For example, we were in a restaurant for my birthday and all of my closest friends were there. One of them had a crush on me so he made me dance with him and he said to me “oh, how that friend of yours must be feeling when your perfect boyfriend is here with you”. I was so mad.. Like, everything has limits for heaven’s sake.

  3. 3dgirl96 says:

    Today I taught my reading class about the difference between pirates and privateers. (For fun, we also learned how to talk like a pirate.) But it’s funny how that lesson came to mind, reading your post. What’s the difference between a husband and a boyfriend? Does government sanction cement commitment? Hardly, with the divorce rate what it is. Is it the people you see, or is it that mostly younger people have boyfriends, in that smooth awkward stretch between twenty and thirty when you feel like a grown up but you actually are just beginning to realize all you don’t know? I certainly don’t know, and I’m well beyond twenty. But thanks for the inner reflection.

  4. Pingback: I Hate Boyfriends | Mindless Productivity360 Haters | 360 Haters

  5. Abbi says:

    Quite glad I have a husband rather than a boyfriend.

  6. for the record, that is all so true. maybe that is why most of us choose not to get into relationships or anything like that. i hate, hate. thanks for a great personal insight.

  7. Katherine Lizarraga says:

    I cannot agree more. As a straight women who is in a romantic relationship, I agree. I’ve seen it and have even spoken about it to my friends with these significant others. It just screams fake to me.
    I did have an alarming thought as I read and agreed with this… And I just kind of wanted to know what you thought about this particular thought.
    My thought: would this also apply to girlfriends? I’ve seen it when some of my guy friends bring their latest girl over. Either these girls try to interact or they don’t at all. Either way, it kind of sucks. And the most alarming thought I had was “Have others thought this of me?” I’ve tried my very hardest to not be that person. So I hope to god I haven’t been.

    Also, I really love your blog. I’m a newcomer, but I check it basically everyday now. Hope my post made sense. I’m low on sleep.

  8. A little bitter, are we, Nate!? Actually, I know the feeling. Before I met, fell in love, and married my wife June I felt the same way. In fact I have a song all about that feeling. It’s called “Options,” and you can hear it on my band GALLEON’s web page, http://www.reverbnation.com/galleon. Why not check it out and smile a little bit!

  9. Mason says:

    “P.S. Can I be your boyfriend?”

  10. Jerrie Hall says:

    Why don’t you tell us how you really feel? Lol

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