As a straight guy, I would just like to state for the record that I hate boyfriends.
Not just because they diminish the population of available, dateable women. And not just the douchebags. All of them. All boyfriends ever. Even the “nice” ones.
I hate how they try so desperately to merge with your social group to make their girlfriends happy, even when they clearly consider you the scum of the earth.
I hate when they try to have quiet, private love-chats in the middle of large groups of people and glare at everyone else for daring to have conversations like normal people.
I hate the way they get offended on behalf of their girlfriends because they neither know what a joke is nor what their significant others are actually feeling.
I hate how they talk more than anybody else at social situations where they know absolutely no one at all.
I hate the self-conscious way they surgically attach their hands to their girlfriends’ shoulders, then look around to see if anyone notices how awkward they are.
I hate how they’re too insecure to leave their girlfriends alone for more than twenty seconds, lest they be tempted to make out with a stranger.
I hate how they laugh at in-jokes that they weren’t part of, but which their girlfriends explained to them to help them fit in.
I hate the stupid, theatrical way they kiss in front of everybody and then act so damn proud of themselves.
I hate the way they look at you every time you say anything, as if “Please pass the Oreos” is code for “I’ve had a long and tawdry history of romantic entanglement with your significant other!”
I hate that they have an opinion on every subject, no matter how little they know about it, and I hate that their opinions are always stupid.
I hate how they try to correct their girlfriends when they make the mistake of acting like human beings.
I hate when they whine about wanting to leave when they see their girlfriends having more fun than them, and whinily drag them away too, the whiners.
I hate how most of them aren’t even people any more…just people-shaped parasites, sucking the life and personality out of their significant others until there’s nothing left but a hollow shell.
So what’s the positive takeaway from this blog post? There is none. Just hate. Hate hate hate. Happy Columbus Day, everyone.