Sometimes A Guitar Is Just A Guitar. But Usually…

You bastards.

You sneaky, guitar-playing bastards.

Everyone with an ounce of observation knows that guitars are chick magnets. If you can pick out a Jack Johnson song with any kind of competence, you’ll spend half your time playing your guitar and the other half using it to fend off the throngs of adoring females. And I thought it was because the guitar indicates a tender, sensitive man in touch with his emotional side and a deep-seated love of romance. I thought it was about the music.

I was so naïve.

I watched a band play this week. Three guys and three girls.The guys played guitar and bass, the women sang vocals. I thought it was an interesting dichotomy, until I realized I’d seen this before: Guys with guitars, girls without.

How interesting, I thought. I wonder why it’s mostly men who play guitar. What difference sets men and women apart when it comes to musical instruments? What do men have that would incline them toward playing…

realization rage face

Suddenly, everything clicked.

I looked again at the guitarist: one hand strumming the strings in front of his groin; the other hand moving along the length of the guitar; the neck, held at a jaunty 60 degree angle, bobbing and dipping with the passion of the guitarist…

Suddenly I saw it. And now I can never unsee it.

Guitars are penises.

guitars are penises phallic silhouette


All this time, these guitarists were waving their six-stringed wangs in my face, and I had no idea. I feel like I should have noticed this sooner.

Though, to be fair, a guitar is more than just a schlong. The body of the guitar, lovingly caressed by the guitarist, has the narrow waist, sensuous s-curves, and child-bearing hips of the female form. It’s like some ancient fertility goddess composed of a limbless female body with a giant penis where the head should be.

acoustic guitar sex subtext


I’m disappointed in you, guitar players of the world. You took the innocent, beautiful world of music and buried it under your subliminal phallic imagery. This may surprise you, but some of us like our music pure, without a layer of sexual subtext. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a trombone concert to attend.

trombone player silhouette


If you enjoyed this penis, and would like to read other penises, please check out this other penis about blog posts.

This entry was posted in Humor, Music, Sex and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to Sometimes A Guitar Is Just A Guitar. But Usually…

  1. Justrg says:

    Hahaha…like you just noticed that guitars are an extension of a man’s penis?!?! Look at their mouths and faces when they are playing intensely. They are TOTALLY jerking off! But, boy is it good for the rest of us…

  2. Okay, Nate, I’ll admit one of the reasons I started playing guitar and put aside the piano and organ is that playing a guitar looks cooler than playing a piano or organ. Another reason is that, for me at least, playing guitar and singing at the same time is much easier than playing a piano or organ and singing at the same time. But I recommend you watch and listen to the Atlanta band Lust, and check out hot, sexy, seductive Barbara and Suzanne on bass and guitar. I also recommend you watch and listen to the southern-based band Nashville Pussy, and check out the incredibly hot Ruyter on lead guitar. Oh, can she play her ax! But don’t get any funny ideas; Ruyter is married to Blaine, the band’s lead singer. Yes, women can rock … when they’re given the opportunity to do so!

  3. Anonymous says:

    So funny! My husband played a guitar in a band for years. Wish I would have read this then. Way to go! Keep amusing us. Much truth to what you wrote. Best kind of comedy.

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