You sneaky, guitar-playing bastards.
Everyone with an ounce of observation knows that guitars are chick magnets. If you can pick out a Jack Johnson song with any kind of competence, you’ll spend half your time playing your guitar and the other half using it to fend off the throngs of adoring females. And I thought it was because the guitar indicates a tender, sensitive man in touch with his emotional side and a deep-seated love of romance. I thought it was about the music.
I was so naïve.
I watched a band play this week. Three guys and three girls.The guys played guitar and bass, the women sang vocals. I thought it was an interesting dichotomy, until I realized I’d seen this before: Guys with guitars, girls without.
How interesting, I thought. I wonder why it’s mostly men who play guitar. What difference sets men and women apart when it comes to musical instruments? What do men have that would incline them toward playing…
Suddenly, everything clicked.
I looked again at the guitarist: one hand strumming the strings in front of his groin; the other hand moving along the length of the guitar; the neck, held at a jaunty 60 degree angle, bobbing and dipping with the passion of the guitarist…
Suddenly I saw it. And now I can never unsee it.
Guitars are penises.
All this time, these guitarists were waving their six-stringed wangs in my face, and I had no idea. I feel like I should have noticed this sooner.
Though, to be fair, a guitar is more than just a schlong. The body of the guitar, lovingly caressed by the guitarist, has the narrow waist, sensuous s-curves, and child-bearing hips of the female form. It’s like some ancient fertility goddess composed of a limbless female body with a giant penis where the head should be.
I’m disappointed in you, guitar players of the world. You took the innocent, beautiful world of music and buried it under your subliminal phallic imagery. This may surprise you, but some of us like our music pure, without a layer of sexual subtext. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a trombone concert to attend.
If you enjoyed this penis, and would like to read other penises, please check out this other penis about blog posts.