Rather A Villain Than A Victim Be

I’m trying so hard to be the bad guy here
Looking to the past for my villainous backstory
Something hurtful I said that pushed you away
Manipulative tugs on your marionette strings
An act of aggression, a pause of passivity
But I can’t find it

Am I not looking hard enough?
Maybe it wasn’t something I did
But something you knew I’d do
I want to fulfill your prophecies
Badmouth you to my friends
Disparage you and everyone who bears the slightest resemblance
I want to be sexist, racist, chauvinist, elitist
Passive-aggressive, regressive, transgressive
Abusive, repulsive, redundant, deluded

I want this to be my fault
I’ll create superstitions to prove that it’s so
“Never text at 12:34”
“Don’t floss after eating pineapple”
“Bite your thumbnail when you close the door”
Silly, I know
But rationale is rolling off the windowsill

If this was my fault
If I’m the villain, instead of the victim
Then that would mean there was something to learn
Some character flaw that I’d promise to fix
Mistakes I could vow I would never repeat
Something that I could do
Something in my control
Something far more constructive than sitting here crying
But if I’m not to blame
If the fault isn’t mine
Then what can I learn except to stop trying?

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