Since my most successful blog post is the one that pissed off half its readers, I’m going to do one better and piss off ALL my readers. So I’m gonna be breaking out the insults in force, you geeks and gadabouts.
Also, it’s politics time, y’all.
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I know, you think I’m gonna pick a side. Republican, Democrat, liberal, conservative. Well, I’m not, because you know what? Sometimes everybody is stupid. Get ready to have your eyes opened, you orchestra of bilge-trumpets.
9 times out of 10, when you get into a balls-out, no-holds-barred, fisticuffs-brandishing, political screaming match, you and your opponent are not speaking the same language.
To elaborate, I’d like to get away from all the liberal/conservative/red/blue labels. Let me instead propose, for the sake of this blog-post, the idea of ‘nation-first’ and ‘humanity-first’ thinkers. Now lets look at a made-up example that has nothing to do with reality.
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Imagine two entirely made-up countries: Glamerica and Glethiopia. Glamerica has become a nation of plenty, due to various circumstances (fertile farmland, technological development, and a century or so of slave labor that they don’t like to talk about). Glethiopia, however, is starving.
In Glamerica there are two politicians. Oogy Jones is an extreme humanity-first thinker, and Wibby Smith is an extreme nation-first thinker.
Oogy Jones thinks, “We have excess food, and Glethiopia is starving. If we do nothing, Glethiopia’s people will die of malnourishment, and that is bad for humanity. We should give them some of our food.”
Wibby Smith thinks, “If we give food to Glethiopia, they will become dependent on our aid, and will never fix their hunger problem. And then we will have to give food to Gleritria, Glurundi, Gludan, Gladagascar, and everybody else, and that is bad for our nation. We should encourage them to develop better agriculture.”
Then when they meet to discuss the matter, they nearly come to blows. Wibby thinks Oogy is stupid to not think of the impact that foreign aid will have on the economy. Oogy thinks Wibby is heartless for not caring for the plight of the starving Glethiopians.
Trick question. As with so many other issues, the answer is somewhere between ‘Both’ and ‘Neither’.
I’m not trying to say one side is right and the other is wrong. My issue right now is communication. And you can’t have good communication until you realize that not everybody has the same goals, and not everybody has the same priorities. Once you understand where you both stand, then you can begin to talk options. Then you can begin to compromise. Ya dingbats.
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But since we are becoming ever more polarized as a nation, I know that you don’t want to let go of your extremism. To that point, I hereby propose the formation of a new political party: the Sovereign Party for Extremist and Radical Moderation.
Here is the S.P.E.R.M.’s stance on just a few of the top issues of the day:
Gun Reform: Guns should be legal to own. Ammunition will be prohibited. The Constitution gives you the right to bear arms. It never said they had to be loaded.
Marriage Rights: Exactly one person in every marriage, straight or gay, is legally married. The other person shall be legally referred to as ‘strumpet’ or ‘male strumpet’, depending on gender.
Women’s Rights: Come up with a better male-specific insults. Bitches ain’t got no recourse.
Net Neutrality: We don’t really understand what this is, so we’ll pretty much do whatever our lobbyists tell us is a good idea.
Education: College education is a basic human right. Elementary school is another matter. Get ready to dish out 20K for kindergarten.
Controlled Substances: It will be legal to use any or all controlled substances. However, selling or producing them is subject to capital punishment. Remember with this catchy mnemonic: “Cook some meth, you get death. Smoke some meth……..” We’re still working out the last part.
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The party is still in its infancy, so if you have extremely moderate policies, slogans, or catchy campaign tunes, tweet them @nathanbiberdorf with the hashtag #ExtremeModerate or #SPERMparty. I’m almost positive I won’t regret this.