An Artistic, Critically-Acclaimed Poem About Comcast

All great art comes from suffering, from the paintings of Vincent Van Gogh to Britainy McMurphy-Morris Jones’ haunting poem Why Don’t These Jeans Fit They Fit In The Store So Why Don’t They Fit Now Why Don’t They Fit. So as I deal once more with the deceptions and depredations of Comcast, I’ve vowed to channel my rage into creative projects, beginning with this ode to the cause of my suffering. It was supposed to be free verse,  but thanks to Comcast, it is actually $59.51/month verse, with the cost increasing by $5 every month when you’re not looking.

If you don’t understand it, you probably just aren’t good at art.

Ode to Comcast
or
The Turkeys, They Peck At My Eyes, And It Isn’t Even Thanksgiving Yet

Comcast
O, Comcast
Foe, Comcast
What are you doing beneath my fingernails?
Like shards of bamboo
Or like blood
(In a scenario in which I represent Comcast
And have blood under my fingernails
Because I murdered somebody
And also in this scenario, I am Comcast
In case I forgot to mention that)

 Comcast
You are the apple of my eye
(In a scenario where someone
Has surgically replaced my eye with an apple
And now I see the world as apples see it
A world where everything wants to eat you
Especially Comcast)

Comcast
How do I love thee?
Let me count the ways:
One
(AAAAAAAAAGH!!)
Two
(PLEASE NO MOOOEEEEEEEEE!!)
Three
(I’LL TELL YOU ANYTHING YOU WANT NO NO NOOOO)

I see a little silhouetto of a
Comcast
Oh no
Not the bees
Not the bees
Aaaaaaahhh

Interpretive dance segment:
(Dancer in white is customer)
(Dancer in dripping red rags is Comcast)
(Customer dances away)
(Comcast pursues)
(Customer dances away)
(Comcast pursues)
(Customer screams)
(Comcast pulls out a knife)
(Customer was not looking where Customer was going)
(Customer falls into a tiger pit)
(Comcast laughs)
Selah

 Sing Hey Nonny Nonny
For a Comcast lass
Nay, don’t
She has syphilis

Cheese
(Don’t eat it, there’s Comcast in it)
Bread
(Don’t eat it, there’s Comcast in it)
Pickles
(Don’t eat it, there’s Comcast in it)
Lemonade
(There’s no Comcast in it)
Now you are dead
(Comcast was not in the lemonade, but Comcast made the lemonade)

Tiptoe down the stair
Who’s that waiting there?
Is it Comcast? That’s not fair!
Stay within the village square
Tumble down and watch your head
Call the doctor…can’t! You’re dead!
All you wished to do was leave
Now you cannot even breathe
Far too late, you find you’re hung
By the noose that Comcast strung

Comcast
Comcast
COMCAST
There’s no escape
Nothing you can do
Lock up your doors
Hide your kids, hide your wives
Quoth the raven,
“We can get you a great deal on a Cable/internet bundle, RAWK!”
Look in the mirror
You…you are the Comcast!
You know what needs to be done
Quickly, before it is too late!
Die, Comcast!
Die!
Now you are free
The Comcast is no more.

(Exit, pursued by a Comcast)

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This entry was posted in Humor, Poetry and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to An Artistic, Critically-Acclaimed Poem About Comcast

  1. I feel this poem in my soul.

  2. Comcast Haiku

    Comcast knows they suck.
    They have no competition,
    So, why should they care?

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