Your Excitement About Kroger Is Killing My Dreams

This article makes me irrationally angry.

It’s an article from my local paper. It tells about hundreds of local citizens lining up on a Thursday morning.

What were they lining up for, you ask? Was it the midnight release of a new dystopian space wizard movie? Free food for a year? A magical boutique that appears one day out of every thousand to grant its customers their deepest desires?



Just a Kroger.


People ask why I hate living in Indiana, and stuff like this is pretty close to the top of the list. I live in a state that is so drowned in ennui that not one, not dozens, but huuuuuundreds of people think a grocery store opening is the be-all, end-all of the human experience.

Oh, what’s that? I’m sorry, I misspoke. It’s not just a Kroger, it’s a suuuuper-Kroger! It’s a Kroger the size of a Walmart! I could understand the impact that might make if there wasn’t a Walmart one literal mile away. And if Walmarts and their ilk didn’t have the general ambiance of concentration camps for frozen TV dinners.

And I don’t hate Kroger. Kroger is fine. But that is absolutely all it is. There is no good reason to be outside a Kroger when it is not open, unless they are promising shopping carts full of free food, or Jesus himself is offering fantastic deals on fishes and bread loaves of questionable origin.

If anyone asks, this is the definitive answer to ‘Why can’t we have nice things?’ Because you don’t want nice things! You pee your pants with glee over grocery stores! Not even new grocery stores, but slightly bigger versions of grocery stores that used to be half a mile up the road!

This is why music and art and interesting restaurants and creative entrepreneurship are dead in Indiana. Why would you try your best to make something great, when all the people here want is another fucking Kroger?


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3 Responses to Your Excitement About Kroger Is Killing My Dreams

  1. Haha. This made me laugh. I can’t imagine getting excited over a Kroger, but then again their off brand black cherry soda is really good.

  2. Well I work at Kroger so…… I’m happy about it:D

  3. Any competition with Walmart large enough for them to wet their pants is good news in my book.

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